July 21, 2011

Lord of the Rings Characters and their High School Stereotype Equivalent

I know...I promised I was done with LOTR for a while, but like most evil geniuses ...I lied. You see I couldn't sleep. My slumber pattern is in that glorious cycle of going to bed at 3 in the morning and waking up at 2 in the afternoon. Unfortunately I actually had to get up at... can you believe it? 11 O'clock. Great Scott, what a scandal.
When I need to sleep but I can't, my mind goes crazy. I  get all these wonderfully horrible ideas (when you add positive adjectives ahead of negative ones the blow is less traumatic). I started thinking about that photoshop picture of Aragorn I posted in the greatest member of the fellowhip (because for some reason my mind goes to fictional characters when I'm falling asleep?...and it made me realize, holy shit! Aragorn is totally the football douche of LOTR.


I promised myself I would never recycle a photo...
but alas, I promised many other things as well

This, of course, just spawned my other comparisons. Naturally, it didn't help me fall asleep at all. I wanted to do something beside of LOTR but...


Inspiration can't be stopped.


Well that, and when I thought of other movie franchises with many characters, I ran into dead ends. Harry Potter is really just highscool in a castle with magic and a kid who in normal society world would be a shunned because of his appearance (I'm becoming shallower by the day!). Then I thought: Star Wars! Who knows what humorous yet logical parallels I could make with Han and Chewie. Then, I realized the plot is very similar to One Tree Hill...what with the whole asshole who is actually your dad and incest (that happened, right?). Spiderman? High school stereotypes without my help.  Batman? I' m not even going to touch that! Pirates of the Caribbean? Captain Jack is the eccentric dude who everyone secretly admires and Keira Knightley is Ferris Bueler's girlfriend. DONE.


So, all that considered,  I was back at LOTR.



Aragorn: Cool jock who is secretly insecure because of the pressures to do well


Think Chad Michael Murray in A Cinderella Story.

"I am pensively thinking about where my life is going"


Once he stops creeping around up north, we find out the Aragorn is really the heir to the throne of Gondor! That's a lot of pressure for one dude...and a lot to live up to.  Just like the star quarterback who has to do well at the big game. Everyone expects so much of him but he is unsure if he is worthy of such praise. Aragorn definitely feels the heat, ESPECIALLY since his girlfriend has been distant lately...


"I am pensively thinking about where my life is going"

Frodo:Geek who manages to get in with the popular crowd

Think Patrick Dempsey's character in my favorite 80's teen movie, Can't Buy Me Love.

"I replaced my nerd glasses with cool kid glasses
so they won't know my true identity"


So Frodo gets to hang out with the cool guys (everything that isn't a hobbit) since he has status now! Of course in LOTR it's because he has the key to saving the race of men, not just that he secretly pays the popular girl to date him.

But at what cost?

Apparently a couple of crumbled up $50 bills


Frodo is in the big leagues now, but now his character is totally corrupted and he has become an absolute shit. He is an asshole to his real friends and...well an asshole to his new friends as well. The similarities end their because Patrick Dempsey doesn't drop kick  the object of his desire into Mount Doom (he should have, she was a bitch) in the end...but I really think I'm on to something. This is an earth shattering revelation. Just like the time I realized the kid in Stand by Me and Johnny Cash were brothers! Genius.


Mind. Blown.


Boromir: Rebel/Bully who is really just misunderstood...

"My dad uses my face as an ashtray"


...No, just kidding. I wish. In reality, Boromir is really the rich kid who pretends to be your friend for ulterior motives, but then find the people he is trying to ruin are actually pretty rad! Everyone finds out he REALLY IS a creep, but then he redeems himself in the end during a bittersweet moment.

I still love you... <3 <3 <3

Sam: Designated fat friend

Every girl group has one. That fat chick who has a low self-esteem and an even lower metabolism. The girl who always says something about being fat, followed by an awkward pause from the group, then a  "Nooo you're not! You're just curvy...like JLo..." followed by a hasty subject change. However, the fat friend is always very loyal and always is willing to pay just so she can eat...so they let her stick around.

We all know you ate it, Sam



Merry and Pippin: The Stoners

These two are smoking throughout the entire trilogy. The moment they become most estatic is NOT when Frodo saves middle earth, but when they find barrels of Longbottom Leaf in the ruins of Isenguard. Hell, from the end of Two Towers to the middle of Return of the King they smoke that shit non stop.
"Pip! I feel a Taco Bell run is appropriate!"


You know you have a problem when your fellow stoner comrade says "Pip, you smoke to much." ESPECIALLY, if your name isn't Pip.


Gandalf: The wise teacher who asks the toughquestions...but  everyone still loves and respects him

So it comes full circle...

You know that teacher who says "You'll hate me now, but love me later!" well, that's Gandalf...except not because everyone already loves him. He leads all the kids through the trials and triumphs of adolescense (or the Mines of Moria) ensuring that when they leave the classroom (or when an ancient fire monsters brings his ass down) they are prepared for life's journey!


"If you don't start studying for that chem test...
YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"
Overdone...I know


Gollum: That weird kid who sits in the corner talking to himself while plotting the death of everyone around him...

AKA the same exact character.

Sometimes I can't tell the difference



Eowyn: Either the tomboy who everyone grows to appreciate OR the girl who attempts feminism

You know that girl who is awkwardly on the wresting team who all the guys resent? Yeah, that's her. They want to yell at her, "GTFO!" but of course, her dad is the coach...so they can't. Eventually she shows she is just as awesome as them by stabbing a guy in the face! YAY

I am A GIRL
OR

Ok, here's the thing that bothers me about Eowyn...they want us to think she is some "I'm Woman Here me ROARR" person. She isn't. I touched on this very lightly in The Greatest LOTR Scenes...but stopped myself because feminism is one of the things that finishing school taught me to never speak of in polite company. However, just this one time I must make a point.

Yeah, she is pretty kick ass and has that whole "I need freedom but am oppressed because of my gender" thing going on, but she ALSO spends the entire time pining over a guy who wouldn't give her the time of day. It doesn't bother me too much because I understand...Aragorn is foxy. However, she disobeys to fight...and for what? Her kingdom? Well, she was SUPPOSED to be keeping down the fort in place of her uncle...father? That guy who is king who she is related to...


Saruman: The Frenemy

Yeah. He's the girl who pretends to be your friend and then stabs you in the back to be popular. You think you can trust her then BAM! she figuratively kicks you in the balls, saying "Either join me or be forced to eat with kids who put baloney on their faces!" Bitch!

This is actually a deleted scene from The Fellowship


Bilbo: Crazy janitor that is friends with the nerd protagonist

The guy who knows all about the school secrets...therefore, making his wisdom valuable to the nerd who needs to do the cool kids bidding! He might lend him the keys...or dance to a sweet montage while cleaning the school! The possibilities are endless.

Unless he is that asshole from Scrubs...

"NEVERR!"



Gimli: That guy who is "friends" with the popular kids even though nobody particularly likes him

Seriously, WTH? This one has always thrown me for a pickle. He keeps up the appearence of being cool but then again he also is never invited to parties...unless he manages to overhear a conversation (ending with everyone yelling "Great, now he's coming! Thanks a lot Joe and your Steven Tyler sized mouth"). They don't drop him completely...because that would be mean. Anyways...that's Gimli. He is semi useful because his brother buys everyone beer sometimes... but not as cool as the others. You kind of forget he's there...but then his ginger face pops up and you scream.

"Hey guys! My cousin has a sweet pad down in
the mines...we should totally go!"
Frodo gets stabbed and Gandalf falls down an endless pit
Thanks for the suggestion Gimli


Elrond: The guy who goes back to his highscool to who tries to be the "cool" and "approachable" teacher that the kids can relate to

Think Schuester on Glee.

"Nice to be back on my old stoppin' grounds"


He has everyones best interest at heart...but he is also super awkward and lame in his execution. He also wants to be young and hip. He may reminisce about how he handled a similar problem back in the day by saying something stupid while trying to sound relevant.

LOTR Example:

Gandalf: "Well shit. Sauron is raising an army and wants the ring back."

Elrond: "Oh well...I might be some help...see I was there when he died! See, it sometimes pays to be thousands of years old...haha! Oh you! You keep me young."

Glee Example:

Random student: ...and then Susie chucked a slushie at my face

Schuester: Don't worry we don't tolerate bullying here...but that reminds me of this one time in high school when I worked at 7 Eleven and everyone came and hung out there! We sang songs and made memories! See...7 Eleven was around even before I was born...so I'm really not that old!

He isn't nearly as cool as the actual cool teacher (see Gandalf) but he sure as hell tries!

"I must make them like me"


Legolas: The effeminite dude who says deep stuff all the time but really is not that smart

I'm not naming names...but I know someone like this. It's that guy who tricks everyone into thinking he is really deep, sensitive, and worldly...but in reality his image is as fake as his long blond hair. He's not necassarily doing it to get a ton of ladies (though if he is, he is more of a genius than I can comprehend), he just wants to be percieved as being the "philisopher" when really he has an IQ that is on par with Forrest Gump. Despite all this, even those who know his true being can't find it in their hearts to hate him.

"This looks just like a stick I found while backpacking
through South East Asia...you found me again, old friend"
Sauron: The Evil Vice Principal

Like the VP (actually he is Dean of Students but VP sounds more stereotypical) in Ferris Bueller, Sauron is forever looking to catch that hooligan who is ruining his life...or something like that. No one really understands his motivation, he doesn't seem human, and he REALLY needs some visin. He goes from a perfectly respectable position (evil Lord, Dean of Students...same diff) to somewhat of a stalker.

"It's Frodo Baggins. Ha! He doesn't know that I know
he is on his way to Mordor...lol"



Faramir:Lame freshman kid brother

Poor Faramir. He is the kid who is always refered to as "Boromir's little bro". He isn't as much as a stud as his brother. Though, who is, in comparisson to Sean Bean?

He is my secret passion


In the eyes of everyone he meets he is known only by this title: students, teachers...even his parents forget is real name! No matter how hard he tries, the little fella can't break that image...so he takes drastic measures. He may become emo...or complete suicide missions! Then, while his brother is further deemed a stud, he gets stuck with the butch girl on the wrestling team.

Life is not fair.

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